I'm really excited to be participating in the WEGO Health Health Activist Writer's Month Challenge. I'm hoping that the challenge factor will motivate me to write more often (every day this month, in fact!), and that that will develop into a habit of writing regularly after the month is over. More importantly, I'm hoping that by sharing my experiences, thoughts, and insights about living with chronic and invisible illnesses, I'll be able to bring comfort to someone struggling with the same issues.
*Note - I'll be including this introductory paragraph at the beginning of every post, so that anyone who's checking in will have that background info. If you come back another day (and I hope you do), you can skip this part!
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| Drawn together at my Sweet 16 |
I did have another long term boyfriend back in college, but looking back he provided only the example of what not to do. Actually, thinking back to that relationship, it might provide the best tip for dating when you have a chronic illness: find someone who is sympathetic to your condition and your needs.
Though it was long before my symptoms became as severe or persistent as they are now, and even longer before I was ever diagnosed, my boyfriend once told me that I was "such a drag" because I was "sick all the time." Rather than encourage, support, or take care of me in my time of need (however often it may have been), he blamed me, and made me feel worse. He gave me a complex that has been extremely difficult to shake: even today, I occasionally fear that friends or loved ones won't really understand, and will leave me as a result (most of the time, I know better).
As people with chronic illnesses, we feel bad enough (both physically and emotionally) on our own, and there are more than enough people out there who don't understand what we're going through and inadvertently make us feel worse. When looking for a potential mate, we need to find someone who will want to ease our burden, not add to it. If we are not up for a night on the town, s/he should be willing to bring the town to us: delivery and Netflix can be a much more enjoyable date than a five star restaurant and Broadway show if our bodies aren't up for the trip.
An important thing to consider here is how much to tell, and how soon. We always want to present our best self and make a great first impression, so it may seem like a good idea to try to keep our illnesses to ourselves at first. We can hide our pain, grit our teeth while we run around too much (and suffer the consequences when we get home), and hope to do it all again as soon as possible. The problem is that there will come a time when we can't hide it any longer. Then we may find out too late (after we're already emotionally invested) that this person is not willing - or able - to be as supportive as we need.
On the other hand, we don't want to scare away our potential mate with too much - and too heavy - information too early on. Living with chronic/autoimmune/invisible diseases is overwhelming for us, and we've had years to get used to it. There are times when it feels like our pain and fatigue is so huge, that there is no room for anything else. We have to work hard to remind ourselves that we are more than our illnesses, so we've got to be sure to show off our best qualities as well.
Ultimately, it becomes a balancing act - we've got to find a way to tell someone early enough that we have abc condition, which often causes xyz symptoms. We've got to ask for understanding - that we may have to cancel plans, or need to avoid certain situations. The Spoon Theory is a great piece to share that helps put it all into perspective. At the same time, we can let that person know the things we can do, and the tricks we've learned to help us through more difficult days.
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| Renewing vows on our 10th anniversary |
**If you like what you read, tell a friend. In fact, tell me, too - post a comment below! If you don't ... well ... I'm all for honesty, but ... please be gentle!
