Sunday, February 19, 2012

Who Are We?

I've recently discovered that either I have Multiple Personality Disorder or I was crowned Queen when I wasn't paying attention.  Those are the only logical explanations for one person to refer to herself in the plural form, and it seems I do that quite often.  I noticed it the other day, and then caught it several more times after I started paying attention.  Apparently, I am no longer just me.
I went to see a new doctor the other day, and she asked me about a few of my symptoms.  "We've been dealing with this since October," I told her.  "We tried {blah blah blah} treatment, and then we had {blah blah blah} side effects.  As the doctor and I discussed my medical history, I told her all about what we went through a few years ago, when we saw so many doctors and got nowhere, so we just gave up.

Now, if I recall correctly, I was the only one with symptoms.  I was the one who was tested.  I was the one who took medication.  I was the one with side effects.  And though everyone else encouraged me to keep trying new doctors, I was the one who gave up on them.  Going through it all over again now, these symptoms & side effects are showing up in/on my body, not in a group.

That isn't the only situation in which I've caught myself doing this, either.  Someone asks if I have plans, and I answer with what we are doing (or that we're not doing anything).  At work, I respond to most offers by saying how glad we are to have our volunteers' support, or to let people know what we are looking for in a given situation.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Judge Not ...


Sorry ... I didn't mean to yell.  

Actually I did ... just not at you.  I know you would never judge me (after all, you could just stop reading if you didn't like me).  You are kind, caring ... you look to see the best in people ... you see the best in me.  I have no reason to yell at you.

No, I'm trying to send this message to myself (though I notice I used the word trying, so who knows whether it'll actually work).  I make excuses to myself, and I make excuses for myself, but I don't believe either one, and I can't stop judging me.  

I have gained 40 pounds in the past 10 months.  And I'm absolutely disgusted by that fact.

Now I admit that some of the weight came on from a bit of stress eating (it hasn't exactly been a great 10 months), but the reality is that most of it is not my fault.  For the most part, I eat healthy food.  For the most part, I eat reasonable portions.  I do not deserve this weight ... or this disgust.