Saturday, June 18, 2011

Back to My Cocoon

It’s funny … when I think about the past 8 months or so since I started this blog, so much has happened.  My whole purpose was to present the positive, to shine the light, to help my readers (and myself) to see the silver lining in every cloud.  You might think that would come from having a blessed life, with all the great things handed to me and nothing ever going wrong … but really that couldn’t be further from the truth.  It’s only through dealing with adversity that we’re able to learn, to grow.

Over the past 8 months, I’ve certainly had those opportunities.  I’ve written about challenges in health, weight, self-esteem, work, family, and loss.  Through all of it, I’ve found ways to see that it wasn’t always all bad … that even in the worst of it, there was something good to hold on to.  Even now, as I sit in my grandmother’s apartment writing this, I am comforted by her presence that will always be with me.

Still, it’s not always easy to find that silver lining.  I still believe that things happen for a reason, that there is some karmic energy in the universe that helps set things as they are meant to be.  But sometimes it’s harder to see what that reason is until much later in the process.  A caterpillar may not understand why the cocoon is forming around her until she emerges later as a beautiful butterfly. 

That’s where I am right now.  I’m going back into my cocoon.  I know that I’ll come out of it eventually, but I don’t know when and I don’t know how.  There are things I need to figure out, and I’ll let you know when I do.  But in the mean time, I’ve just got to do the best I can to work through this.  I know that you care, and I appreciate the concern, but sometimes even that just makes it harder.

Please don’t ask if I’m okay. 
I’m not.  
I hope I will be one day, but right now … not even close.
I don’t want to talk about it; talking only makes me cry.
There’s nothing you can do to make it better (believe me, I wish there was).

I know you mean well but …

You ask if I’m ok, and I think about why I’m not.
You ask if there’s anything you can do to help, I think about how helpless the situation is.
Helpless … hopeless?
I hope not.
But I don’t have much hope right now.
They say “that which doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger” … if that’s true, I’m not only going to be a buttahfly, I’m going to be supahfly.  But it’s going to be quite a while before I get there, so please … just bear with me until then.